


Freedom in Failure

by MyUnicornCas



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Bunker Sex, Cas is confused, Feels, First Time, How Do I Tag, Human Castiel, Human Castiel in the Bunker, Lost Castiel, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-25
Updated: 2018-10-25
Packaged: 2019-08-07 11:26:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,619
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16407602
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MyUnicornCas/pseuds/MyUnicornCas
Summary: No one told Cas what it was like to be human.No one told Dean he could let go.Together, they find out exactly what kind of freedom comes with letting go of self expectation.





	1. It's all too much

**Author's Note:**

> I've never posted anything before, and this is quite unpolished, however my computer is about to be wiped clean and I need to put this somewhere. I tend to ramble, so please bear with me. I'm thinking it'll only be two chapters initially, but it will depend on how much time I have at work to copy and paste things onto a site I've never used lol...  
> Thanks so much everyone!

No one told Cas what it was like to be human. No one handed him a manual, or an instruction booklet. Here was Cas walking the streets, taking in the noises and boy was it was noisy; bells ringing, horns honking, people shuffling around, and the talking, God why won't people stop talking?  All the smells; hard smells, burning inside his nose, heavy, dense and unforgiving.If Cas knew what smells were, he'd be able to pinpoint what they were. As it is, he’s unable to detect where and what the smells all are. Everything was overflowing all of his senses.

Cas stood still, looking around himself, feeling dizzy and misplaced and for the first time ever, he was scared. His mouth was dry, his head hurt, his hands shook nonstop, he felt something in his stomach, like something was trying to escape. Standing in one spot all at once, his body heaved forward and vomit started to project from his mouth. Castiel tried to reason with himself that what was happening was normal, due to sensory overload, but the looks on the spectators faces made Cas feel like he was in trouble, was going to be scolded any moment. After he felt like the crawling feeling in his stomach was done coming up, he began to walk again, because it seemed like it was the only thing he could do. Where? He didn't know.

A street vendor who had watched Cas get sick asked him if there was anything he could do to help him. “Phone, I need a phone, do you own one?” The street vendor looked confused but nodded that yes he had one.  Holding on to the mans phone Cas’ hands would not stop shaking, he was not aware of why they wouldn’t stop or how to stop them, perhaps Dean would know. Cas dialed Deans number, one of the very few things Cas would not and could not ever forget.

“Yeah?” Dean answered; voice curt and sure. This made Cas feel even worse about his own lack of assurance and whereabouts.  

“Hello Dean”

Pause

Cas tried again

“Dean? Hello, this is…” he couldn’t even finish his sentence before he heard Dean's voice, but this time Dean sounded shaky and just as scared as Cas was “Cas? Cas do not say anything else, just tell me where you are?” Dean meanwhile was now standing up, pacing the tiled floor of the bunker. Running his hands through his hair, his heart had stopped when the familiar gravelly voice came through the phone.

Another pause.  

“Cas? _Cas_ you there”? Dean was starting to panic, sure he was hallucinating.

“Yes Dean, I am on the phone still. I wasn't sure if I was supposed to be responding or not. You had said not to say a thing first, but then….” Cas got cut off again. Confused and startled when he noticed the street vendor looking at him like he was a walking blasphemy.

“Cas please just tell me where you are man”

Cas turned to the vendor asking where he was.

“Dean, the man on the street says we are on 3rd and Vermont Avenue”

“Okay Cas listen to me, please just stay there, I will be there in less than an hour”

 

After handing the phone back to the vendor, Cas settled into the park bench beside where the vendors booth was set up. He couldn’t help wonder if Dean was angry with him, why was Dean so adamant about Cas staying put? Would Dean be able to understand what Cas was feeling and seeing and sensing? Cas smiled, knowing that if _anyone_ knew what humans sense, it would be Dean.

40 Minutes later Cas heard the revving sound of the Impala. Turning his head, he saw Dean approaching him. Cas felt his heart beat faster, he began to sweat and felt something in his stomach again. Different than the vomiting from earlier but in the same area of his body. 

When Dean first saw Cas, the first thing he saw was that Cas didn't quite look like Cas; he looked smaller, scared almost. The idea of Cas being scared did something to Deans insides that he didn't like.  It was as though he was losing his own security. Cas stood up and smiled his large gummy smile. The tips of his nostrils tipped upwards and Dean couldn't help but smile back. Dean went forward to give Cas a hug, but Cas not knowing what to do with his arms, simply let them lay loose by his sides. 

 

“Man its good to see you Cas, what happened to you dude? How'd you get here? Dude how are you even alive?, ya know what, let’s save all that until we’re home” 

Cas couldn't get the smile off his face as easily as most humans do. Another question to ask Dean, he thinks. 

“Hello Dean, it's good to see you as well” 

“Come on buddy, let's get you home and you can tell me all about it, or even on the drive home OK?” 

Dean clapped Cas on the shoulder and led him to the impala but 

as Cas was entering the car, he caught a reflection of himself in the car window, causing him to stop mid-step, to stare, he didn’t understand what he was seeing.

“Cas, bud, you good?, what's the matter man?” Dean asked as he leaned over the drivers seat to peer up at Cas through the opened door. 

“Dean, this picture or rather the reflection in the car window, is this… is this what I look like to others?” 

Cas couldn't move if his life depended on it, couldn't stop staring at himself. Mesmerized by his reflection, he brought his hand up to his cheek and began to touch his face, while still keeping an eye on himself.  

Dean appeared beside him, in person and in reflection. “Cas, what's going on man?, why are you freaking out on me?”

“Dean look”...Cas was rubbing his face while staring at his reflection, his other hand pointing to it, like a deer caught in the headlights. Dean smirked and shook his head in disbelief. “Cas, this is not the first time you’re seeing yourself, is it? I mean you've been in countless cars, motels and the bunker… all those things have places to check yourself out in, so what's up now?”

“No Dean, no matter where I saw my reflection before, I saw only my true form, this face, this skin, this feel on my fingers, my eyes, my sight,  it's all different, it’s all new Dean. I do not see myself as I know myself, in this reflection. Please just tell me if this person in the car window, is this, ...am I, or Jimmy.. or my body, is this the person you see when you look at me?” Cas was enamored by his sight. Unable to look away, only now he was looking at Dean through the reflection of the window. Looking at Dean standing beside him, shoulder to shoulder; not only could he see it, he could feel it too. “Um yeah Cas,  I mean ya for sure, this is the only you, or the only Cas I've seen” 

 

The scope of all this slowly hitting Dean, one fragment of information at a time. Cas could see Deans face change in the reflection. He turned to face Dean, his eyes seemed larger than he remembered, his freckles endless, skin rough looking and his hair, a multitude of colors, all of which, he couldn't comprehend before now.  Cas reached up slowly, his eyes hard pressed on his own hand as it moves towards Deans face. Dean stood still, feeling open and scared because in that very moment, he realized that Cas was human. The most human he had ever been. Dean didn't want to move, in fear of scaring Cas away, like a wild animal, so he stood still, and waited for Cas’ hand to make contact.

When it did, he briefly pulled back but then slowly he brought it back down to Deans cheek. Cas’ eyes met Deans, blue melting into green. 

Dean almost felt as though he was playing chicken, who would break eye contact first.  Dean swallowed hard and felt himself hold his breath. Cas’ fingers splayed across his cheek, the smile slowly reforming on his face, as his fingers played through the 3 day old stubble. Dean felt a lump in his throat, a heaviness in his chest like he was about to pass out. Suddenly he gasped for air, forgetting he had held his breath to begin with.

 

“Uh, Cas? what are you doing?” he asked, his own voice unsure of itself. Something was different, something was not right and Dean needed to fix it. Fast.

“Yes Dean, everything is fine, we can go now, if you'd like” Cas said as he lowered his hand, pulled it into a light fist and he climbed into the car as though none of that happened. Dean stood for a moment, unsure of his next move. Shook his head to snap out of it and walked back into the car.  

 

Once the men were off the side roads and back on the highway, the questions began. 

 

“So uh, Cas, you wanna fill me in?; what happened to you?”

“What do _you_ remember Dean?” Cas asked while still staring at his own hands.  

“I remember us being in the middle of the road, me on the phone with Kev and you having a showdown with Naomi, then poof, you were gone” Cas turned, noticing that Dean's hands were squeezing the steering wheel tight, knuckles white and clenched.

“Did you look for me Dean?” Cas himself didn't know if he wanted the answer to that question, or where it even came from.

Dean looked angry but sad all at the same time. 

“Cas cut it out man, I'm asking you the questions here OK, I'm the one who turned around and you pulled a typical Cas Houdini act, and fucked off, so give me a frigging break and answer my god dammed question, cause right now it's taking all I have to not scream my head off at you”

 

“You're mad Dean, you're mad at me - you want answers, an explanation”  Cas put his head down into his hands and was seemingly rocking his own body in a form of self comfort. Dean clenching his teeth, trying to keep his cool, decided to pull over on the shoulder of the road.  He couldn't do this without seeing his eyes and have something to punch if needed. 

Cas seemingly unaffected by the sudden pull over, got out of the car at the same time Dean did. At the back of the impala, Cas leaned against the trunk, his arms folded, in an attempt to protect himself.

 

“Hey! Earth to Cas… speak up man or so help me god, I'll leave you here on the side of the road” Dean said as he toed and inched his way closer and closer to Cas’ body. 

“No you won't Dean, not simply over me not speaking. However I fear you may wish to, if I tell you what happened” Cas couldn't look at Dean in the eyes, feeling scared as the truth was inevitably occurring before his mind could even catch up.  “Dean, I am no longer an angel of the lord”

“SO WHAT? That gives you a right to fuck off, disappear and not contact me? Do you know what I've gone through trying to find you Cas? “ Dean was pacing now, back and forth in front of Cas, yelling and arms flailing about… Cas couldn't keep up.  

“Dean, please stop your rapid moving around, it is doing something to my stomach that is very unpleasant, it happened earlier on the street and then I proceeded to vomit”

Dean stopped dead in his tracks, threw his hands up in the air, and slapped them down on his legs. “Cas tell me….”

“Dean, so you did try to find me? “ Cas said through his exhaling breath.

 

“Yeah Cas,  of course I tried to find you man, you've been gone 3 months, so start talking or… or...something Cas, but it won't be pretty” Dean sounded done, exhausted and oddly hurt. 

F acing Cas, Cas not looking at him, afraid to see the disappointed look in Dean's face.

“I didn't think Dean, Dean why would you look for me, or even want to, I'm not an angel anymore Dean… although perhaps you didn't know that at the time, which would make sense as to why you kept looking for me.. yes. I understand now Dean, but not to worry, I will be fine. I will attempt to make a life for myself, away from requiring your assistance”

 

“Cas, what the actual fuck are you talking about? After everything Cas, after every god damned thing we have been through together, you think I only care about you if what??? you're an angel, have your mojo? have feathers?, Well gee the fuck thanks Cas, that says a lot about how you see me now doesn't it?” Dean turned his body and started walking away from looking at Cas. His hands tugging his own hair out of frustration and anger. Not knowing what to do with the hurt, no _not hurt_ , the rage he felt. Cas stood against the trunk still but his eyes lifted to watch Dean pace and growl to himself.

 

“Dean I don't know what to do. I don't know what’s happening to my body, something doesn't feel right” Dean sensing Cas’ panic, stowed his crap and went to his friends side. “what is it Cas?  what's wrong?” Cas stood straight up and looked into Deans eyes “Dean please, walk ahead again as you were a moment ago.. “ Deans questioning look read easily through his expression, but did as Cas asked, turned and walked away.

“There it is again” Cas says like he's found the answer to the 64 thousand dollar question.

“What Cas,  come on man you gotta start talking cause this is getting ridiculous and I'm tired man” Dean was barley keeping his tempter in check, but knew that Cas wasn’t in a normal headspace, so he had to keep it together, ‘ _just a bit longer Winchester_ ’, he thought to himself.

 

Dean walked back to Cas and watched his shoulders relax downwards, Cas stood up straighter and his arms not protecting himself any longer, but still down by his sides.  

Almost as though he was figuring it out, while he spoke Cas said “My body seems to react to your proximity Dean, it doesn't like it when you walk away, making me feel unwell, almost as if it’s wanting me to move with you”  Dean could see the millions of questions on Cas’ face. Questions that turned his own into a wild ride in his head. Dean didn't want to think of these questions, not tonight.  “Come on Cas,  let's go home” Dean grabbed Cas’ arm gently and led him back into the car. 

 

When they were driving again, Cas began:

“When you were on the phone with Kevin, and Naomi showed up, she explained to you that Sam would die if he continued and finished the trails. I left to find Metatron and he was, in fact back in heaven. Naomi lay dead, bloody on her desk. Metatron proceeded to explain to me that what he and I had been doing, to help the angels reunite, was actually a spell to expell all angels from heaven. To force them to fall to earth” Cas looked out his window at the darkness that surrounded the car. Only the purr of the engine present but now even the engines noise was something that Cas could feel and not only hear. Cas could feel, and feel everything.

“Yeah Cas I know, I was there when they fell, where the hell were you?  I needed you man, Sam was dying and I called out for you .. I prayed, I called out … prayed… to you Cas” 

Deans voice started to break and sound small.

 

Cas needed to hurry this up before Dean cracked again.

 

“I was on earth, as a human so I couldn’t hear you Dean. I mean I wasn’t on earth the whole time, most of the time Metatron kept me tied up, in a chair, to drain me of my grace, slowly.  While he was draining me, he instructed me to go to earth and find a wife and have children. He insisted this of me Dean. He told me that if I did as he instructed, everything and everyone would be fine, all of my brothers and sisters would be welcomed back in heaven and humanity would go back to usual. I did as he said, only I couldn't find a wife. At the time I came back to earth my grace was not completely gone, but most was depleted. I had met a woman, as Metatron asked of me, but I could not be who she or essentially Metatron, wanted me to be. One minute I am in a bed with this woman and she was kissing me and touching me, however I was unable to reciprocate in the way that was expected. Metatron came that night, brought me to a dark lit ally, told me I was a disgrace, and he took the rest of my grace. That was the last thing I remember Dean”

 

Dean didn’t want to interrupt, it seemed Cas was on a roll, but the questions Dean had were too much, too many, his mind was whirling a mile a minute. His mouth was dry, his knuckles sore on the steering wheel. He turned to look at Cas, and as before, his arms were protecting his body and he seemed to be in pain. Whether this was physical or mental pain, Dean wasn’t sure he wanted to know the answer. It took all his will not to flinch when he realized Cas wasn’t done with his words.

 

“I was alone and everything was flooding me; feelings, sounds, sights and smells… it was too much.  The day after, today, or um.. rather.. yesterday, is when I phoned you” 

There were more than a few minutes of silence before Dean could even gather a single strung together sentence, let alone do so without humiliating himself via an emotional breakdown, on behalf of Cas. 

Dean cleared his throat of the lump that has taken shelter in his throat and had to say something “So, Metatron wanted you to live like a human and what, you couldn't? I don't get it” Dean said. The question itself was miniature in comparison to what he felt, but he didn't know how to say those particular things.  

“Yes that is what the bigger picture seems it to be” was all Cas said in reply.

“W..why. ..uh.. why not? I mean um.. why couldn't you, ya know. . be human, if ya know it would fix everything?” Deans face thankfully shielded by the darkness, was beaming a shade of red and heat that had Cas still had grace, would surly know about.

“I'm afraid to tell you Dean” Cas said, hands folded and worming around in his lap. Cas refused to look at Dean and Dean refused to look at Cas. “Just tell me Cas, tell me why you couldn't live as a human” Dean asked again, voice unchanged and unwavering.

“Dean, may I take some time to think before I answer you? I find that all these new feelings and senses are playing with my mind, and I need some time to adjust” Cas asked in a pleading tone.

Dean threw his hands up and back down on the steering wheel again in a huff. 

“I know you're disappointed Dean, I am sorry I cannot alter your feelings” Cas was now playing the martyr it seemed to Dean, so he remained quiet and mentally took stock of all the questions that would inevitably require answers. 

 

 

They hit the bunker and without direction or shared words, went their separate.

 

 

Dean laid on his bed, arms above and tucked under his head, staring at the ceiling in deep thought.   _Why didn't Cas want to tell me. What doesn't he want me to know that he thinks will piss me off so much. Did he really think I wouldn't care for him anymore if he lost his mojo? Am I that much of an asshole of a friend? He was surprised I looked for him, that should give you the answers your looking for. Yeah Cas thinks you’re an asshole who only wants him for his wings. Great job Winchester. Fucking awesome._

Dean clenched his jaw, tight and steady. His heartbeat was drumming so fast and hard, it's all he could hear. He couldn't just lay there,  no.. he needed answers. 

 

Three doors away from Dean’s room, Cas knelt at his bedside, elbows up on the bed, hands pressed together, his forehead resting where his right hand met his left, in prayer.

“ _I don't know who, if anyone can hear me, who if anyone is able to, but Brothers, Sisters, God, anyone listening, please hear me out now; Now as I am, as a human and because God commanded to worship humans, aid me now for I know not what I must do. I do not know how to tell Dean Winchester the truth. I failed you Brothers and Sisters. All I had to do was come to earth and find a wife. I could not consummate the marriage. I am sorry that you, my brothers and sisters, are suffering because I could not pass this one instructional requirement. If only I was able to close my eyes and pretend, you would all now be back in heaven. What do I tell Dean? How do I tell Dean? I pray that you do not blame him for his part of my own failings. He is not aware of his role in any of this. Please. Anyone. Hear me, help me. Tell me what to do. Amen and God help us all"_

 

Cas got up from the floor, about to get into the bed, when his door opened. 

 

 

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

 

“Cas?”  Dean poked his head in through the door and looked at Cas, he was only wearing a plain white v-neck tee-shirt with a pair of blue boxers: a look Dean had never seen on the angel before. It was odd and shook up a type of fear in Dean, which he failed to recognize. Cas’ hair was tossed wildly as normal, but the bags under his eyes, those were new - they wore on Deans soul and fed this unknown fear.  Dean felt the fatigue that Cas was seemingly feeling. He understood it. He heard it in Cas’ prayer, Cas felt guilt. He felt helpless. He sounded scared. Dean cannot have Cas hold onto feelings that he himself knew all too well.

_“_ Hello Dean" Cas greeted

“ Do you, uh, mind if I come in for a bit? I'd like to talk” Dean asked but didn't wait for a reply before he headed towards Cas’ bed to sit on the edge.  “Cas I sort of heard you in here, praying I think?.. I didn't mean to, I just was coming to…”  Cas took over the conversation:  “Yes I was praying to my brothers and sisters, hoping they could hear me” 

Cas looked at Dean with almost shame. He hung his head and wouldn’t look up to meet Dean's eyes.

“Cas, what is it?  I heard you say my name in your little speech… is something wrong that has to do with me?” Dean sat, his right leg tucked under his left that was dangling off the side of the bed. Cas sat cross legged across from Dean, his head in his hands. Not looking at Dean, not wanting to risk giving anything away, not now.. not yet.  Cas had a decision to make, then and there, to tell Dean the full truth as to why he was human, or to lie. _Decisions were easier when they were told to you, directions and instructions. This was heart wrenching and impossible._ Cas took a breath and for the first time in hours, looked Dean in the eyes. The moment their eyes met, Cas felt something twist and turn in flutters throughout his abdomen. It made him smile. Dean unsure as to what the smile meant, scowled even more, he was sure that Cas was again losing his mind, or keeping something from him.

 

“Spill it Cas, and quick or you'll find yourself out on your ass,  what are you hiding that makes you need to pray to your douchbag family, let alone mention me?”

The smile vanished quickly when he saw the look on Deans face. Something different then took over Cas' fluttering feelings now, something primal and meaningful.

“I do not think I have the proper way to express myself to you Dean. This is all too new, too much and I am unsure how to keep these feelings in their proper place. I don't even know if they have a place” Cas sighed and put his head back into his hands.

 

“Oh no you don't Mr. Hide-a-way, that act ain't gonna fly with me, spit it out” Dean said as he separated Cas’ hands from his head. Cas looked down at Deans hands, which now we're holding his own. “ _This_ ” Cas said nodding to their hands, held together. “This feeling when you touch my hands, it's new. It's not the same as with Daphne”

Cas started to hold Deans hands now with purpose, and not looking away from them, his smile returned.

“What? Who? … what are you.. _wait,_ who the hell is Daphne, Cas?” Dean did everything in his power not to yell at the angel,  so the words came out in between gritted teeth. _Why do I even care who this Daphne chick is,_ Dean screamed silently to himself.

Cas had an idea, to explain himself and his failings to his friend; he just hoped that the hunter would play along. “May I show you instead? I do not think any words in the English language would suffice for my level of knowledge” 

 

“That depends Cas, do we have to leave the bunker and go out, or are you gonna zap us to someplace far far away” Dean asked as sarcastically and quizzically as possible. Deans heart was thumping something fierce, he himself not knowing why, and not knowing if he wanted to know what Cas had to show him. 

_ What could be shown but not spoken?  _

_ “ _ No Dean, I believe I have everything I need right here to tell you my story”

 

_ Story? what story? Cas doesn't have stories, he has visions, jobs and duties, not stories.  _ Dean was scared but wouldn't for all the tea in China, admit it. 

 

Cas looked at Dean, eyes squinted, head tilted, lips pressed together enough to make the lines around his eyes scrunch, and parade the blue. Deans heart sank at the scene before him. It had been so long since he saw Cas, just being beside him again made Dean sweat and crave things, things his own subconscious didn't understand. He had two options: cut it off now and don't ask. or….let go. 

If it wasn’t 2 in the morning, he's sure he would have had a little more fight in him.

“OK Cas, show me what you need to show me” Dean whispered. He looked up to see if Cas had even heard him, it came out so quietly. Cas was smiling so big,  all his beautiful white, teeth, perfect pink gums, and his bright eyes shone towards Dean.

 

“Dean do you trust me?” Cas asked.

Dean could have responded with his typical sarcastic banter but thought otherwise when he saw how much this seemed to have mattered to Cas. 

“umm, ya.. yes.. umm Cas yeah, I do” Dean fumbled out the words _'solid move Winchester … you're killing it_ ' The rush of heat and redness surrounded his face like a fire... he let out a long slow exhale and affirmed   “Ya Cas I trust you” 

 

Cas took Deans hands “Can you close your eyes Dean, please?” Cas knew he was pushing it with Dean but needed to get this over with, so he himself, could move forward in life.

In a huff of protest, Dean did as Cas asked and closed his eyes.

“Dean, I believe the best way to express myself to you would be if I were not faced with your expressions. This way I will not see your disappointment in me when I tell you my story”

Deans brow crinkled in worry. _Jesus, this guy is going to kill me… what the hell did Cas do that was so bad, he cannot face me, so bad that he had to pray to his douchebag family?_

Dean cleared his throat  “Cas listen okay, this is ridicul….” 

“Dean please! In order for this to work, you cannot speak unless I ask you a question.  You said you trust me, so act like it. Please” Cas was frustrated now, being interrupted kept him father and farther away from his own future and he needed this to proceed. 

Dean nodded his head to show he understood. Cas’ hands still gripped Deans and although Dean couldn't see it, he could feel that Cas was looking at him, deeply searching Deans face for something to bring him strength. 

 

With a loud inhale, he continued. “Like I was saying, I fear that once you hear how I have failed,  you will not wish to be my friend anymore… or even acknowledge my existence.  I will attempt to speak solely the truth and try to have you feel what I feel now, now as a mortal”

 

_ No that didn't come out right,  _ Dean thought.  _Cas,  mortal. ..as in. .. completely and utterly human. _Deans world began to tumble down, he had so many questions but he owed it to Cas to give him time to speak.

 

“Holding your hands now, as I am, I feel the warmth, your warmth, my warmth, together our warmth. I can also feel you trembling from the vibrations your hands are putting off. These are things I would have never known before now. When I found Naomi dead, I was not distressed by it, nor was I when Metatron put me in the chair. My only thought was wanting to get back to you, to help you with Sam for the trials. Metatron told me he would release me into the world, as an angel still… limited grace, if I were to find a woman. Become married and have a life with her, children and church and Sunday dinners. Once my children were grown, I was to come back and tell Metatron my story. If he was satisfied, he would reopen heaven and we could go back home, all of us, all my brothers and sisters.  Home again, united as one. I failed his task Dean. Not without attempt, but ultimately I failed” Cas could feel Deans hands still within his own, they were sweating now… trembling with something Cas believed to be anger and rage. “Dean just yes or no please, are you angry with me at this time, so far?” Dean let lose a breath for the ages and shook his head no. Cas then released Deans hands and moved upwards on Deans Arms, rubbing them as though he was cold… but slower. They both seemed to be in a sort of trance. Feeding off each other's nerves and fear. 

 

“Metatron released me into the woods, in Montana. I was unclothed and unable to remember much of the last 5 years. I could feel the sun beating down on my body and I could feel the wind on my skin. A woman walking the path I was put on, stood above my unclothed body. I believe Metatron had put her in those woods at that time, to find me there” 

Cas was rubbing Dean's shoulders and arms, giving gentle squeezes where he felt tension. His own head hung heavily between his shoulder blades, and he was looking at Deans hands, resting on his own lap. He felt a pull to be closer to Dean and he manipulated Deans body to be as his own, crossed legged and not off the bed or twisted to the side. 

 

Dean kept his eyes shut, and more impressively, his mouth. Cas was grateful for this. A true show in trust.

 

“Her name was Daphne. Turns out Daphne was a deeply religious woman, who thought herself to be at that moment in the woods, as her destiny to find me. I believed her to be unaware that Metatron set the whole thing up. After Daphne took me back to her home, she fed and bathed me. She placed me in her guest bedroom and told me to sleep. I had never slept before so I did not know how.  I laid in that bed thinking of ways to escape, to escape without Metatron knowing my plan. It dawned on me at that time… I did not have a plan. When my eyes eventually relented to the heaviness, is when I saw you. For the very first time Dean, I saw you. Not through Jimmy eyes or the eyes of my celestial wavelength, but as my soul saw you. In my sleep, we were laying in a bed, together. I felt your skin under my hands, just as I can feel now. I could hear you breathe, just as I can hear you now.  My head laid across your chest and I could hear your heartbeat. You looked down on me and touched my face with your fingertips”

 

Cas touched Deans cheek at the same time he uttered the same words. The feel of Dean's stubble, causing electric jolts to flow through his body. It caused Cas’ body to go rigid. Deans body leaned forward to the lost touch, but moved back when he felt no hands to fall into. 

 

With a breath, Cas continued “This was all so new to me, yet familiar. When I awoke, I knew I needed to find you. I heard Metatron speak through my mind, as you would say “angel radio”, reminding me of my task. Days went by and Daphne was so kind to me, attentive and caring.  I had no one to help me but her. Then came a time when Daphne and I ate our Sunday dinner and with dinner we each had a couple glasses of red wine. I never understood what humans felt when consuming alcohol. I do now. I also understand why you use this as a tool to escape. It made me feel silly and giddy, and so warm. Daphne was, or rather is an attractive woman, and she was simply lovely. However, the advances towards me felt wrong, a type of wrong I have not felt since I consumed the souls from purgatory. A deep-rooted wrongness of everything normal and real. Daphne became irritated at my flaccid responses of her advances. Truth be told, I was irritated at my lack of response to her. There wasn't anything wrong with her. . only me, or this, rather .. my vessel could not respond”

 

Cas’ fingers were back on Deans face, and when Cas noticed Dean didn't so much as even flinch, he wondered if the hunter was even still awake. Cas closed his own eyes and saw through touch alone. His hands traveled down Deans forearms with the slightest brushes of his fingers. Cas could feel the hair on his arms stand up from the goosebumps. 

 

”Do you feel that Dean? The static electricity on your arms, from a simple touch alone” Dean thought ‘ _not just any touch, your touch’_ But he didn't say it out loud. Dean sat there, being lost in the moment, with a few fears of his own coming to light. ‘ _Regulate your breathing or he'll stop’_ was one of them.

Both men, sat there crossed legged on the bed, eyes closed, taking in the sensations of Cas’ touch. 

 

“She touched me exactly like this, slow and steady, with genuine feeling and even apprehension. The exact same way I'm touching you now, but the hairs on my arms did not rise. Nor did my cock, like it supposedly should have” 

Deans breath hitched at Cas’ using the term cock, he couldn't believe that word came out of his mouth. Deans breathing flew into overdrive when he felt Cas’ hands run up the inner part of his thighs, rubbing up and down, slowly but with enough pressure to be sure, Dean felt like he was going to pass out. He felt raw and open and the electricity between them heavier than before. _Cas is either back to being crazy Cas or he's endversed himself into this hippy love crap again._ Funny thing was though, Dean didn't care. Not tonight. Not after 3 months apart. Not after everything.  

 

“I remember laying on the bed with her, her hands touching me all over in a form of seduction. I closed my eyes in an attempt to will myself pleasure from it, the way that was expected of me to enjoy it” 

 

Cas paused for what seemed like hours, Dean, dizzy from the adrenaline and exposure he was feeling. It was as though he was high, but for the life of him, couldn’t say a word, open his eyes or do anything but sit there, breathing in the moment.

 

“Dean would you agree to lay down on the bed if I asked you to?”

 

Dean opened one eye and noticed three things instantly. 1. Cas’ eyes were closed. 2. Their upper bodies were much closer to each other, than their crossed legs were, and 3. Cas had a very, _very_ obvious hard on.  _ ‘This is your go Winchester, it's either now or never and he may disappear again.. not the time to play tough guy’.  _ Dean noticed that for the first time in a long time, he was playing along with whatever charade Cas was playing, but from the look in Cas’ boxers, it was actually paying off.  

 

“Um, sure Cas, how do you need me to lay down?” With a quick swoop, Cas grabbed the back of dean's knees and pulled them out from under him. Dean was now lying flat on his back, his head on the opposite side of the headboard and Cas was on his knees in between his legs. All without opening his eyes.

“Um Cas?” Dean asked when he noted no movement or talking from his friend.  

“Yes Dean?” Cas just sat there, eyes still closed, a smile on his face and his hands resting on Deans knees.

“Now what Cas? What Um, what happened next” Dean asked, completely unsure of why he asked because at this moment, he was not prepared for the answer.

“Close your eyes Dean, this won't work unless we're both sight less”

 

‘ _Shit, how's Cas able to tell.. unless he's peeking himself. Cas cheat and peek,  come on dude, you know that's not the case’._

 

Dean hummed his OK to Cas and closed his eyes again.

Dean could feel and hear Cas’ smile widen, and was tempted to open his eyes to see if he was right. Instead, he let out a slow calculated breath and fought against his instincts. When that moment happened, his whole body went pliant.

 

_ ‘This….this is trust’ _

 

_ “ _ Dean, she was massaging my legs, just like this, like I am to you. But Dean, tell me how it feels to you when I massage your legs” Dean cleared his throat, eyes closed and whispered “it uh, it's a.. it feels nice Cas,  relaxing you know, calming”  Dean could feel his body heat rising and the redness of embarrassment hit his face hard.

 

“That's the problem with me Dean, I did not feel that. I felt frozen and stuck and in a panic. At the time I didn't know what the feelings were, just that I didn't want the hands of Daphne on me. I couldn't take it” Cas moved his hands up Deans legs, to his flanks that were covered by the flannel pajama bottoms he was wearing.  If dean's eyes were opened, they would have slammed shut at the moment he felt Cas’ fingers touch his hips. All the heat in Deans body went south, flooding his cock with such a wham that he felt like the air got knocked out of him.

 

‘ _Two choices Winchester … put up or shut up’_ Dean was relieved that his eyes were closed because he didn't think he could deal with seeing the scene before him.

 

“This here Dean……” Cas moved his right hand, and rubbed Dean's erection with the flat of his palm,  through the soft, light pajama pants, pressure filled touches, yet slowly palming up and down. 

“This erection you're feeling, was what I was supposed to feel… to have .. to offer Daphne. The fact that I couldn't get an erection only made my fate more so” 

 

Deans body involuntarily bucked up into Cas’ opened hand, his brain begging for Cas to just curl his fingers and pump..  Dean let out a sigh and garbled moan. “Why… Cas? why couldn't you get hard for her?”  Dean stuttered through his words, trying so hard to contain himself. His body was on fire and his soul felt like it was being ripped out of through his mind, he couldn't breathe, he needed to know why…. The palm left Deans cock, and there was movement, Dean couldn't open his eyes at this moment even if he wanted to.

 

“Because Dean, I couldn't get an erection for Daphne, because……”

 

Cas lined up his body above Deans, framed Deans head resting on his elbows, and in one fell drop, ground his cock on top of Dean's, buried his face in Deans neck and whispered

“Because she wasn't you” 

 

Dean hollered out his relief as his hips rubbed up, into Cas’ cock, rotating his hips up and down,  his hands firmly on Cas’ ass, not letting their body's separate.

 

“Yes Cas, yes thank god, thank god yes..fuck.. all I want is this, is you.. fuck please baby don't stop” 

 

The men grinding into and onto each other, moving up and down, panting and throbbing was the only sounds Dean could hear, until Cas started grunting “Dean Dean.. I don't know how.. what is happ. …..”

“Let go angel, I got you.. “ Dean held Cas close, trying to express how much he meant that, how much he meant that he will always have Cas, through anything.

“oh god yes this feels so good, don't you dare stop Cas please.. I got you baby, give yourself to me..yes yes ….

Dean was now gripping Cas’ hips, leading him into a rhythm they both seemed to be able to follow. . Dean ground up when Cas ground down.. Cas started to jut up and down almost involuntarily .. the friction, the pressure of Cas’ cock rubbing over his own, the sound of Cas’ breathy moans in his ear.. gripping Cas’ ass tight to combine the feelings. .

Dean didn't care there were clothes in the way, Christ he didn't care about anything at the moment.   


 

“Cas, Cas… tell me how this feels to you, tell me you want this, tell me you want me”

Dean didn’t care he sounded like he was begging, because Jesus Christ he was, and he wouldn’t feel shame for wanting this.

“Dean I'm .. I'm always ..yes.. ugh. .. oh Dean.. always yes, feels…perfect.. Dean help me.. something’s about to happen ..it's warm, building, fire..what Deeeeean uggghhhgghh!!!”

Dean didn’t know if Cas wanted him to stop, if he was panicking or he was simply being overwhelmed by his first orgasm. Due to the fact that Cas didn’t try to get away, yell or seem like he was in pain,  Dean grabbed Cas’ ass and held him in place.. Dean moved all on his own, kissing and sucking into Cas’ neck, moaning into his ear, to give Cas the orgasm he was wanting and chasing. Moving his hips up and hard against Cas, up and down, frantically over and over .. he was close. ..he wanted to give this to Cas first .. Dean opens his legs more, pressing all of Cas weight down onto his own cock and grinding upwards .. panting, sweating and rubbing. .

 

“Dean DEAN…...uuuugggggg Deeeeaaannnn” 

 

Cas’ cock spasming induced Deans orgasm, his hips stuttered and he latched onto Cas ‘ neck and humped his way through his own orgasm… the seeping wetness of each other’s come, soaking onto and into one another was perfect.

 

Body twitching, the aftershocks feeling as good as the orgasm itself, left Dean speechless and grunting through every one of them..  Cas weight was fully disbursed onto Dean's body, rocking himself side to side, without remorse or hesitation. Obviously his instincts telling him to seek more pleasure and nothing else.

Stillness and Silence filled the room.. Nothing but panting and internal heartbeats could be heard. The heaviness of what just happened seemed to have hit both of them at the same time, now that they had released themselves from the hypnotic laps in normality.

 

What this _could_ mean for them, and all of humanity was one thing, what this _would_ mean for them, the angels and all of humanity…. Now that was another thing all together.

 

A little lesson in humanity, and a lot’a letting go had already happened, _one day at a time man_.

 


End file.
